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Baby makes three

So I am writing again, I need to otherwise I will lose what little knack I have got! Here for your perusal is the fist chapter of Caroline Lawson part two. I am currently about a third through the book but I am not entirely happy with it so maybe the rest of it will be rehashed, there are good bit and some which need to me more exciting. I am however quite pleased with this bit! I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think.

June

‘I want Jeremy!’ I scream.

This is not right! Wrong place, wrong time and wrong people, not to mention the plum sofa I am currently giving birth on has seen better days!

So here I am, Caroline Lawson, imminent mother to be. Maternity tent covering my bump and hands laden with two bulging carrier bags full of babygros, soft toys and a whole variety of things I’ve been told I simply have to have, but, at the same time have no idea about what they actually do. Today is three weeks until ‘drop day’ as my fiancé Jeremy keeps calling, and my first day of maternity leave.

All the books I’ve read have told me I need to be prepared as baby could decide to make his entrance at any time – yes his! I am still getting used to the idea that fairly soon I am going to be outnumbered 2-1. We’ve agreed on the name Ryan after many ‘discussions.’ Currently I am strolling around Smartbaby Boutique admiring the expensive, but ultra cute outfits dotted around the store. An appliquéd lion here and a jolly green dinosaur there. Grace is throwing me a baby shower next week so she has asked me to come up with some ideas for gifts. Despite telling her this really isn’t necessary she has proven to be insistent – so here I am. I make a few mental notes, particularly liking a tiny little blue number with cows lovingly sewn on. I have moved towards the entrance now, and then I notice a gorgeous quilt, it has cute little dinosaurs all over it. According to the information beside the cot there is a whole range including curtains, lamp shades and small framed pictures. We haven’t really decided on a nursery theme yet and I’m not confident enough to buy it without Jeremy’s agreement, not to mention the cost at the end of the price tag which is enough to make my eyes water.

An eager shop assistant has noticed my lingering looks and is making her way towards me.
‘Beautiful isn’t it?’ she gushes.
I nod in agreement.

‘Boy?’ she asks indicating my rather obtrusive bump. I nod again.
‘Well if you’d like to place an order I can have it here for you in a couple of days, I can even get it delivered to your home and assembled, for a small extra cost.’ She adds helpfully.

‘Oh, I need to show my fiancé first and my friend is in the middle of organising a baby shower -I’m banned from buying too much.’ I stutter as I become acutely aware of the bulging carrier bags from SuperMum by my side! Even so the assistant senses that she has lost this battle and offers me a catalogue, taking care to show me the page where the dinosaur range can be found. I mutter my thanks and make my escape. I’m keen to have a sit down. My feet are hurting and my back is niggly – not surprising I suppose when you have an extra person on board hitching a lift!

I visit the nearby coffee shop and order a decaf, relieved to see a squashy seat free by the window. This means I can people watch and pretend I’m not actually completely exhausted by simple every day activities. I waddle over and half place – half drop my carrier bags and then carefully settle myself into the chair. I sink in and sigh but I know I may struggle to get back up again. Whilst I am sitting I check my phone – no messages from work -good – an e-mail from Grace reminding me to put my feet up while I can and a text from Katy, Alfie’s wife asking if I need anything. I shoot off a quick reply to Katy assuring her that if I need her or get bored I’ll let her know immediately. Jeremy is working right up until the birth so he can have some time with us both afterwards so I am not surprised there are no messages from him. He is probably busy delivering papers to lots of chambers, answering calls and arranging appointments for the barristers in his chambers. Not to mention he is studying for exams and attending interviews so he take on an enhanced role with a pay packet to match.

I sip my coffee looking at the passers by – young girls on study leave swanning about in skimpy outfits taking advantage of the early June sunshine. Mothers dragging reluctant toddlers away from the bakers window and the toy shop opposite the coffee shop. I smile and rub my bump as I imagine myself as the Mother trying to persuade my own little monster that they have had enough to eat and there are plenty of toys at home to play with. I can’t help wondering how I’ll cope when the baby becomes bigger and starts walking and talking. I will have to rely on my legal reasoning skills I suppose as judging from the negotiations going on outside the window these toddlers are skilled – many of the Mother’s insisting that the answer is no eventually giving in and buying the must have item so peace once again reigns!

Coffee cup drained I begin the complicated procedure of regaining my feet. First I shuffle forwards to the edge of the seat, then one arm behind me I kind of heave myself in an upwards direction. My back is arched so I don’t fall forwards. That’s it, I’m up, slight knee bend, reach to the side to retrieve my shopping bags and off I wobble.

My final stop of the day is Babeez world! A cheaper version of Smartbaby Boutique and much busier. This shop always reminds me of my shoplifting client Timmy Simons. It is large and just about everything you could ever want for your baby, toddler and pre-school children can be found in this place. Instead of the sedate atmosphere and sense of space created by Smartbaby, Babeez World is crammed full of kids, usually racing around pressing buttons, screaming and making me wonder what on earth I am doing creating one of my own! There are plenty of people browsing, kids clambering about on the outdoor play equipment even though there are signs warning them that it is dangerous to do so. To add to the confusion the tannoy seems to be going off constantly.
*Bing bong*Could a member of staff please come to the delivery door. *Bing Boing* Call for Joyce on Line 3. *Bing Bong* Manager to checkouts please!

No wonder I think as I glance over and notice a heated discussion taking place between a woman waving an item of clothing about and a red-faced assistant. I have come here to try and make a decision about a pram! Jeremy wants a travel system so that we can get Ryan into cars easily. I have pointed out to him that it won’t fix to his scooter, nor will it help me when out an about on the tube. I admire one of the in vogue style perambulators, but no car seat is included and it is definitely not tube practical. I am reluctant to play around with them too much as they all have wires attached linking them to a rather loud alarm system as I discovered about a month ago when we first tried to make this decision. We were put off by my Mother telling us it was bad luck to buy a pram too early and that when we did buy it we should have it sent to her house until we needed it!

I go and stand in front of one of the travel systems and push it backwards and forwards for a bit, it is starting to feel quite natural and I am getting myself into a nice rhythm when I get a sudden sharp pain in my back. It spreads forward to my tummy and I can’t stop my hand flying to my bump, but as quickly as it began it has slipped away. I carry on pushing the pram backwards and forwards. I imagine it must have been braxton hicks, my midwife has told me about them and I have read about them in every baby book I have devoured so far. I look at another couple of systems, but I am drawn to the one I started with. I take a picture on my mobile so I can show it to Jeremy later and move on to baby clothes. Most of the stuff we have already, as well as the things I have picked up earlier today are plain and practical but I have to admit I’d like a couple of bits that look a little more exciting. I have in mind putting some outfits on the list of things I need for Grace, not too expensive but useful, after all according to the fountain of all knowledge, my Mother, ‘all baby will do at first is sleep, poop and puke!’

A babygro catches my eye it proclaims I love my Mummy and Daddy. I have no idea how the baby will feel further down the line so decide to capitalise on his innocence and inability to disagree. Annoyingly the new baby size is hung right down at the bottom – don’t the people that design these shops realise that bending down at this stage of pregnancy is a physical trial. I mean I can’t even see my feet, let alone trust them to support my ever expanding girth! Desire gets the better of me and I reach down, trying to bend my knees and sink down as gracefully as I can! Grace will just have to have different outfits on the list, this one is coming home with me. I check that I have a vaguely relevant size and stash it in my basket. I begin wending my way through the racks of clothes, stacks of nappies and piles of picture books. Gradually I become aware of an annoying feeling every step I take, I feel like I am walking though a puddle all the time. I pull my dress forward and notice wetness around the hem.

The pain in my back comes again and I crouch down a little trying to alleviate it. I straighten up slowly using the pregnancy yoga breathing I have been practicing. I am then aware of a tapping at my elbow. I turn to see a sales assistant resplendent in her maroon Babeez world uniform trying to attract my attention. A child further down the aisle is pointing at me and telling his Mother in a voice as loud as the tannoy that the lady down there has wet herself. He means me! Me?
‘I think you’d better come with me love,’ the Babeez World lady says ushering me gently towards the door with a slate grey notice on it announcing ‘Authorised persons only beyond this point!’

I panic, she thinks I’m trying to steal the babygro so I try to disentangle myself and show her I have put it in the basket and not down my dress. She has a firm grip and ignores my protests when I say ‘I was just on my way to the checkout.’ I remember the stuffed carrier bags from my morning’s work and again start to protest but she has beaten me to it again and flaps them at me using her other hand.

We get to the door and she punches in a code on the sliver lock and I can hear another member of the staff behind the nearby till on the phone;
‘Ambulance please.’ She pauses and then says matter of faculty, ‘woman in labour.’ She throws a glance at my bump and them as she makes eye contact gives me a tight smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, there seems to be a touch of concern. ‘I think term, certainly not too far off of it’ she says into the phone.
‘Now, here we are dear,’ says the lady ushering me along, as I begin to feel rather sick. ‘Make yourself comfortable…’ She pauses, eyebrow raised.
I take my chance to introduce myself ‘Caroline, but really this isn’t necessary, I’ll just pay for this and head home, but you should get a cleaner onto the shop floor as I think someone has spilt something!’

Still this lady isn’t taking no for an answer and again indicates the rather old, plum coloured sofa with clashing orange cushions to me. ‘I’m fine’ I protest again still confused about the fuss but I am slowly becoming aware that it isn’t just the hem of my dress that is wet it is the back of it as well, realisation dawns! That kid was right, my bladder muscles sick of being used as a trampoline have temporarily given up and I’ve wet myself, mortifying but not requiring this level of fuss. I’ll buy a cheap maternity dress to get me home!

‘OK here’s what’s happening, it’s not what you think, my midwife has warned me about this sort of thing before, it’s an acc…’ My words are cut off as the pain I’d experienced a few minutes before returns.

I sink into the sofa and fix my eyes on the woman who has brought me here. She takes a deep breath.’ I’m Joyce.’ She says as I grit my teeth and try to stand now the pain is easing off again. ‘ I wouldn’t do that if I were you,’ she continues,

‘judging from the puddle you left I’d say you’re in labour. That pain isn’t too..’

‘No! Definitely not!’ I insist again trying to find my way to my feet from the surprisingly comfortable sofa. ‘I’ve only just started my maternity leave… and…and’ another pain washes over me and Joyce who has seemingly from nowhere procured a pad and pencil makes a note.

‘How far along are you?’
’37 weeks.’ I mumble, ‘this’ll just be braxton hicks, my midwife says first babies are often late and apparently only 5% are born on their actual due date.’

‘Ambulance on the way Joyce,’ the girl who was on the phone calls through in a sing song voice, anyone would think she was announcing it’s time for dinner.

‘Won’t be long pet!’ says Joyce patting my hand again but I can’t take this in. I can’t be in labour, not yet! I haven’t even had my baby shower yet, my birth plan hasn’t been written and there doesn’t seem to be any pain relief on offer here! Not my mention there are two ante-natal classes to go yet and so the only thing I’d decided was that I’d go over my due date, give birth in hospital and have lots of pain relief – but as another contraction hits I realise I am not in control. Ryan appears to have his own ideas.

‘First baby?’ Joyce asks and I just nod.

‘My fiancé, Jeremy’ I say suddenly aware that if this is happening he really should be here. I try to remember how he’d got to work this morning. Hopefully he’d taken his scooter. Joyce is looking through my handbag and finally retrieves my phone, I thought she’d never find it. She fumbles with it and for once I am thankful that my haphazard approach to security means she can access my contacts and rings his mobile. It goes to voicemail, Joyce has put my phone on speaker so I resist saying the words going through my head out loud.

‘Shall I leave a message?’ she asks and I nod -just as she begins speaking another contraction hits me and this time I give full voice to the pain I am experiencing.

‘Now dear, don’t waste all your energy making that noise,’ Joyce clicks. ‘I should think your young man has got the message now.’ She looks at her watch and makes another note on her pad, a frown crossing her face.

‘What?’ I say panic edging in.

‘Well your contractions are getting very close and that is usually a sign that the baby is almost here.’

As if to prove her point another one takes hold. Joyce goes over to the phone mounted on the wall and speaks hurriedly. In moments a woman who looks a lot younger than me, smartly dressed and appearing rather flustered approaches. Behind her I can see the green uniform of the paramedics – and as they enter the room I realise they are male. No problem I think, after all they’re just the transport, but then the taller one who had been kneeling down sorting out his equipment stands up and says;
‘Hello Caroline, fancy seeing you here!’
‘Absolutely not!’ I shriek at the top of my voice. Instantly Joyce materialises by my side.
‘Whatever’s the matter love, they’re here to help, you know?’ Joyce has obviously appointed herself my temporary guardian and I have to confess that at this very moment I am very grateful she’s here.
‘That-,’ I say pointing, ‘is my step-dad and there is no way he is going, to deliver my…’

I lean forward as pain rips though me, how many more of these will I have to endure before they give me some pain relief?
‘Contraction at 13.32,’ the paramedic who isn’t Jamie notes. ‘OK Caroline, seeing as you have a personal relationship with Jamie here, what say I give you an examination and then we can be on our way to hospital.’

I nod but it’s not as if I really have much of a choice. ‘I want Jeremy,’ I say to no-one in particular. Jamie is busy scribbling notes on some green paper and the other paramedic is doing whatever inspections he deemed necessary.

Joyce is the only one who responds; ‘shall I try him again love?’ I nod thinking he should be holding my hand, being sworn at and mopping my clammy brow.

Without warning the paramedic re-appears . “I can confirm you are in labour – it seems as if things are progressing rather quickly!’

‘But I’m only 37 weeks…’ I protest and the paramedic just smiles -‘even so your baby is eager to meet you and is on the way.’ He says it firmly but I still try to argue.
‘But…but…i haven’t any of my…OW!’
‘Contraction 1335’ the paramedic intones.

Jamie and the other paramedic take a few side steps and conspire together. Joyce is back at my side smiling unnervingly. ‘Jeremy is on his way,’ she says cheerfully, ‘ he said he could be a little while, some sort of strike. He’s 30 minutes away but I’m sure you’ve plenty of time.’ She says all the time patting my hands.

‘Contraction 1338’ the paramedic intones as I groan again, more hushed talk from the men in green.
‘Caroline,’ says Jamie approaching whilst the other one refuses to make eye contact. He perches on the edge of the sofa. ‘I don’t think we’ve got time to move you – it would be better to deliver here.’
‘Here? But I can’t,’ again my body shuts off my words. Jamie checks his watch.
‘Reg, pain relief!’ he says.
Joyce’s radar is on and she jumps up and heads towards the cabinets over the sink, ‘I’m sure we’ve got some paracetamol around here somewhere,’ she volunteers.

‘Para-bloody-cetomal! I want pethidine, epidurals, everything!’
‘Sorry love!’ says the paramedic apparently called Reg, ‘we’re not allowed to carry the strong stuff – but this,’ he shows me a silvery canister with some sort of sucker on the end, ‘will take the edge off.’

‘She’ll be delivering here?’ says the young woman who’d brought Jamie and Reg in and who had been lingering in the doorway. They both nod and she pales a little – she should try being me!
‘Better sort out a little baby basket for this young lady, don’t you think Miss Marris?’ Joyce pipes up.

‘Um ,yes, I guess that would be the thing to do. I’ll…I’ll just go and let the other members of staff know not to come back here, coffee breaks approaching.,’ she says and scarpers.
‘Not really a baby person that one!’ Joyce mutters.
‘In the wrong job then.’ I say and Joyce laughs, I don’t – another contraction hits.
‘Have I got time to go and get her a few things to make her more comfortable?’ Joyce asks Jamie and he nods and she disappears. Reg has been noting down every contraction and is trying to encourage me to have a little walk about. Joyce re-appears laden with pillows, towels,a baby-gro and a nightie!

As my contractions come and go I begin to panic. Jeremy still isn’t here, the paracetamol supplied by Joyce have been consumed to no avail and the silver canister Reg has given me isn’t making any difference either! Joyce’s clucky hen routine is somewhat comforting but I have to admit I had never dreamed I’d be giving birth to Ryan on a battered sofa in the back of Babeez World, with a stranger holding my hand!

‘Right Caroline,’ says Reg, ‘not much longer now. Unusual to be so quick with your first. Think yourself lucky, some babies take days!’
Lucky! Is he kidding? Thirty seven weeks of sickness, cravings and stretch marks which is now culminating in pain and giving birth in a place that in no way at all resembles the hospital I had decided upon.
‘OK, now as soon as you feel the need to push – go for it!’ Reg instructs!’
‘I can’t!’ I groan.
‘Yes you can.’ Jamie and Joyce urge.
’No I really can’t,’ I puff in between the ever closer together contractions; ‘Jeremy, he -has-to-be-here!’

‘Well Caroline,’ says Jamie sternly, ‘It’s just not that simple – babies have their own agendas, and yours doesn’t want to hang about – taking after you already!’ Jamie laughs at his own joke but thankfully Reg scowls at him and shakes his head.

‘This-baby is staying- put until -his Daddy gets – heeereee!’ I insist and as my body tells me to push my brain tells me to do the blowy breaths which are meant to help you through the pain! I am panting like a dog on a hot summers day and I can’t help remembering when this was demonstrated in class and we all fell about laughing, none of us had seriously thought we’d be doing to for real.

‘Caroline you have to let it happen,’ Reg says gently but firmly. He has crouched down and is making eye contact and he looks a little worried, obviously most women prefer to give birth in as little time as possible. Jamie comes and joins him at my side and Joyce who is still holding my hand and is now squashed shuffles over a little to allow the men the room they now apparently need.

‘Caz,’ Jamie begins and I scowl. I prefer my friends to call me Caz and while I no longer completely hate him I am not yet ready for him to use my nickname. “Jeremy won’t mind missing the birth if he arrives to find you both safe and well. If we don’t deliver soon it could lead to complications- babies are meant to come out not stay put!’

Deep down I know Jamie is right. Jeremy has been so attentive throughout and now here I am letting him down. Giving birth too early and too far away from his rounds. He has been so excited to be a Daddy – especially with all the trouble we had getting to this point. I nod, everyone is telling me this baby wants to be born and no amount of panting is going to stop it.
‘Ok…I- need to…push! I announce. Jamie gives my leg an encouraging squeeze, Joyce does the same to my hand and continues to mutter soothing words. Reg meanwhile has subtly moved himself into prime position.
‘I can see the head.’ He tells the room.

I prop myself up on the pillows Joyce has stacked behind me gathering my strength hoping for a few moments respite – but no!
‘Right push now!’ Reg instructs unnecessarily. My lungs expel all the air they contain as out of me explodes the loudest scream I have ever heard. At that moment the door swings open and as ashen-faced, sweaty Jeremy flies through it.

‘Have I missed it? OMG Caz, the whole place can hear you!’
‘You’re just in time’ Jamie says relinquishing his place for Jeremy. ‘She’s doing you proud.’
‘Sexist pig,’ I start to shout but the partially formed words are lost in another scream.
‘GoodGirl!’ says Reg re-focussing my attention, ‘one more and we’ll be meeting baby.’
Good girl? I’m not five – next he’ll be patting me on the head and giving me a sticker. Jeremy looks a little perturbed to see Reg fiddling about down there but I concentrate on the finale.
‘Dad, you’ll see better from here.’ Reg tells Jeremy, reluctantly he goes over looking a shade greener than he had a moment before.

The final push comes, accompanied by another ear-splitting scream, a slithering sound which I really don’t want to think about and then finally the magical sound of a newborn crying. Ryan has finally arrived.

Reg and Jamie wrap him in a blanket, make some notes and then Jamie hands him to me and says; ‘Congratulations, you have a daughter,’ as he hands the baby to me.

‘A girl?’ I repeat confusion fogging me, ‘No we’re having a boy!’
‘Scanner must have been mistaken!’ says Jamie.
‘Well, I guess we can’t call you Ryan.’ I tell the little person cradled in my arms, her little mouth making sucking movements and her face looks all screwed up and blotchy. She blinks up at me her brand new eyes struggling with the harsh fluorescents overhead.

‘I’m your Mummy,’ I say, ‘Jeremy…’ I look up expectantly, he should be here by my side gazing lovingly down at us in the perfect new family tableaux but instead there’s just Joyce.

‘Congratulations love, what ya gonna call her” she asks
‘Jeremy?’ I say again. Joyce looks confused and mumbles something about modern names until Jamie says;
‘I’m afraid he’s a little – er, incapacitated.’ He is trying to suppress a giggle, ‘some men just can’t cope with a bit of blood – placenta finished him off!’
I follow Jamie’s finger and there is Jeremy prone on the floor. ‘He’ll be alright in a few moments.’ Reg says, ‘happens all the time.’

As we watch Jeremy groans and sits up.
‘Slow down there Jezza!’ Jamie grins, ‘drink this.’ He says proffering a plastic cup filled with water from the staff cooler. Joyce hands a cup to me as well. Jeremy slowly gets to his feet and makes his way over.

‘Meet our daughter.’ I say to him.
‘Yeah! Good one, I’m not that confused’ he replies.
‘No he really is a she.’ I say but Jeremy doesn’t care. I can tell because as he looks at her I can see he has fallen completely in love with his new daughter.

‘Off we go then, best to get everything checked out’ says Jamie who had temporarily disappeared and is now proffering a wheelchair to me!

‘No need for the hospital now!’ I say brightly. “She’s all here, all safe and sound, Jeremy can take me home!’

‘In what? I ran all the way here!’ Jeremy protests.

‘How about this?’ Joyce says wheeling in the top of the range travel system I’d been admiring earlier. The room was feeling very crowed now, a pushhair, a wheelchair, two paramedics and their equipment,me, Jeremy, Joyce and of course our new baby.

‘Saw ya admiring it earlier,’ Joyce adds trying to manoeuvre it nearer to me.

‘We can’t afford it!’ says Jeremy, which is true but she holds up a hand to stop his objections. I put a hand on his arm to stop him as well, I know from my recent experiences that there is little point arguing with Joyce!

‘Free of charge,’ of course she trills, ‘our manager,’ and at this point she grabs hold of the flustered woman from earlier who is followed into the stuffed room by a man brandishing a camera. She looks much more in control now as she offers her hand to Jeremy to shake and giving me a chance to re-arrange myself and protect my modesty from the ominous appearance of a camera.

‘Miss Marris – congratulations to you both!’ she says a little too enthusiastically.

‘Um, thank you’ says Jeremy clearly as embarrassed about this ambush as I am!

‘As Joyce here has already said, we thought we should mark the occasion of the birth of your daughter with a gift.’ Clearly channeling the glamorous gameshow assistants she sweeps her hand towards the travel system which now that I am paying attention contains a selection of clothes, bedding, nappies and a huge teddy!

‘That’s really.. kind’ I manage to stutter, the clothes will certainly come in handy as we’d been preparing for a boy, although thank goodness most of the ‘essentials’ are in neutral colours. ‘But if you wouldn’t mind we’d love to get a picture for the local paper!’

At this point the man lurking behind Miss Marris armed with a camera comes forward. He’s in a Babeez World uniform but I guess they’ve already contacted the paper and don’t want to miss the picture opportunity. I knew there’d be a catch I thought, I hadn’t planned for our first family photo to be taken in the back of a baby store. Still nothing like a bit of free publicity and if it hadn’t been for Joyce the baby could have arrived in the middle of the street rather than the dilapidated sofa. ‘Say cheese,’ instructs the assistant with the camera. The bright flash has me seeing stars and it goes off repeatedly. He then wants a couple of shots of just me and then Joyce and me – seriously this is not a fashion magazine – does he know how awful I look?

Just as I think we’re done he gathers everyone behind Jeremy, the baby and myself. Miss Marris wants him to get the gift in shot as well which means Jamie and Reg have to change position, but finally she is happy as she gestures towards the generous gift she is bestowing upon us! Joyce bristles at this, presumably she is feeling put out at Miss Marris taking credit for what was almost certainly her idea!

‘I think that will do,’ the photographer finally announces having fiddled with the back of the camera to check the shots. Jamie is talking hurriedly into his radio which has just crackled into life. He mutters something and has a mini conference with Reg, giving me time to gaze at my beautiful new baby!

‘Welcome to my mad world,’ I say to her as she stares right back at me blinking.’ hey – that’s what we’ll call you -Maddie?’ I look at Jeremy as I say this and a slow smile spreads across his face.
‘Perfect,’ he agrees.

Jamie once more directs me towards the wheelchair. ‘Caroline, we really should get the two of you checked out – just to be on the safe side.’ He is back to his commanding self, having momentarily been superseded by the store manager and make-shift photographer.

‘I’m not very well dressed,’ I point out, ‘I never did have time to change into that nightie!’ Joyce thrusts it towards me but clearly Jamie is in a hurry, I’ve already taken up too much of his time so he grabs the nightie, throws a blanket over me to protect my modesty and assures me I’ll be able to change at the hospital. Jeremy pushes the travel system while Reg wheels me out, as we leave a small ripple of applause breaks out, but embarrassed I keep my gaze fixed on Maddie.

Rolling back the years!

Today so much seems to be repeating, politics, fashion and now tennis! Federer V Nadal and the Williams sisters in the finals of the first grand slam of the year. Against all the odds it would seem – because of course, at over 30 all of them had been written off. Too old to claim the final spots any longer. The passion and the grace with which they contested the titles spoke volumes. The warmth in the speeches, ‘if there could be a draw I would love to share it with Rafa’ (Roger Federer) was amazing between such rivals and if it is the last time they play in the final so what? Every sport needs younger players pushing through the ranks, creating the upsets so that the older players are kept on their toes, it makes the whole sport more exciting. Federer put the cat among the pigeons when he said he hoped to be back next year and that if he wasn’t it had been a great ride and who would blame him if he retired. It would leave a huge hole in tennis but he has a family and a life and has to do what is right for him, as have all our sportsmen and women, no matter how great!

In a week where things have been a bit stressed in all areas of my life the final between Federer and Nadal brought some light. Their achievement demonstrated that hard work, passion and desire can pay off and that if you believe in yourself, and want something enough it can happen. It is true not everyone can win, not everyone can be the manager of a company but perhaps we need to remember that not everyone wants to be. Sometimes all we want is a family to love us, a house to live on or a job – any job to get us out of the house. We need to hold true to our own goals, be a bit nicer to one another and help each other out a bit more not rush past blinkered or build walls to keep people out!

Soon my teaching job will come to an end and I am already sure I’m going to miss the class I have been teaching, of course I’ll keep in touch and see how they progress but one thing has been confirmed to me – I do love teaching, I do look forward to going to work. I do love writing as well but it doesn’t pay the bills Yet!) and sometime wanting something and being good enough at it aren’t the same thing. I take inspiration from stars life Rafa, Roger and so on – and I know I’ll keep trying! Until Pixie goes to senior school in two academic year time logistically working full time is difficult and would cost most of what I could earn. Mr T sometimes works long hours and has to travel – and so my main job at the moment is to look after the children and the dogs, when I can teach without interfering too much with that it is brilliant and I will continue to look for a teaching job that fits in, and I still plan to do my SENCO award.

In the meantime I keep trying with my writing, I enjoy it, it makes me feel like I am doing something useful and you just never know where it will take you. I plan to try and do some shorter pieces and build back up and hopefully intersperse this with some supply work. I guess inspiration is in short supply at the moment, the news seems to be incredibly downbeat, the winter seems to be never ending and the cold seems to eat away at you. We are counting down to our date with Mickey over Easter and Imp is looking forward to and a bit nervous about his first proper trip away from home. He will be journeying to Jersey with school. The itinerary looks exciting and I am sure he’ll enjoy it but at the same time it is a big step!

Hpops as well is making strides in her life. She has decided to audition for the school play and for her this is a big step. She suffers with stage fright but has (IMHO) a fantastic singing voice and can act well. She is worried about the dancing element of it, but at the same time she wants to push her comfort zone, so cast or not I am very proud of her as she is taking hold of opportunities. If I could just convince Pixie to take hold of some of her opportunities rather than spending all her spare time playing games or watching videos then I’d be onto a winner. Recently both Hpops and Imp have been getting on well with their music and really showing me what they can do! I am hoping they are also getting something out of it, the good feedback they get from their teachers and so on should give them more motivation to continue their upwards progress. Hpops has also been given a solo in her upcoming show at a local theatre ands she was really pleased, she is worried she’ll get stage fright but at the same time she knows she can do ti. We all have to take risks to get what we want whether it be submitting a manuscript or auditioning for a part or even having that doctor appointment you’ve been putting off.

We all have to deal with disappointment, distress and not getting our own way but I just hope more people cope with it like Rafa’s quiet dignity that the two year old like tantrums that seem to be happening more often!

Digital Generation

So another new year has whizzed by and we find ourselves knee deep in the first week of 2017. Even the children have been commenting on how quickly the time is passing! I think that when you’re an adult time seems to pass quickly because you’re always busy getting ready for the next event, getting the children to where they need to be and so on. The children on the other hand find time slower because they are waiting for the next thing to come up. As they have got older and taken on more responsibility time has of course ‘sped up’ for them and they are spending their time doing things rather than waiting for them!

That is of course unless they happen to have some sort of device in their hands, it could be a remote control, a phone, tablet or game controller but then time stands still. It has very strange physical effects, their hearing is restricted to just the game, app or programme. Their responses are limited to yes, no or some sort of undefined noise! It can lead to tantrums and nearly always results in one of shouting to get their attention or a fight between siblings as someone interfered, and caused them to lose a game or some such other related disaster.

I have come to realise that their childhood is vastly different to my own due to the technology available and with the rise of VR and immersion technology it may be possible for their children to completely switch off from reality! Pokemon has been a great example of this! Strange alien animals that appear at random intervals for you to catch. It has got the children out and about and they have been less bored and that does bode well but at the same time it begins to take over- the kids are desperate to find a particular pokemon and fight about where to go to catch the best ones! Gone are the times when curfew was when it got dark. When I was a kid I ‘d be out on my bike with my brother and our friends and we’d go to the park or ‘play our’ on the nearby green and come home when it was dark. We didn’t have phones or pagers and no one knew where we were sometimes but it didn’t occur to us to be worried about it.

Today I struggle to let the kids go out on their own, Hpops does now walk home and even though her school is roughly the same distance away as my school used to be when I was her age, I insist on a text if she is walking home. I can track her progress and with Imp getting ready to join her in senior school next year that means more worrying about safety and so on. Maybe it is another difference between being a child and an adult, when I was a child I was unaware of the possible danger I was in. The men waiting to carry unwary children off in their vans, the cars that could run us down at any moment and so on! Today I am well aware of all the problems that could assail my children and am desperate to keep them safe. Everywhere seems to hold peril and even with the technology now available seem to be convinced that something terrible will happen to them.

I am getting better, Hpops has proven that she can get herself from a to b and I think that what I have come to realise as an adult is that you can teach your children the right way to act, how to cross a road and so on but you cannot control other people and you cannot legislate for events -I think if anything 2016 has taught us that anything can happen, good and bad and unpredictable so take opportunities to do new things and get out and about. We have therefore been allowing the children to do more things on their own. Pixie seems to be in a rush to grow up despite me telling her that it isn’t as much fun as she thinks it is!

In terms of technology we have decided to live with it, we have given the children some rules, some jobs they must do at weekends and school holidays to ensure they they get fresh air, exercise and reading and so on done before they surrender themselves to the world of games and apps! Homework must be done, music practice completed and so on during term time! That is of course well and good until they need the devices to do their homework and with the growth of technology it is now possible for homework to be set and submitted via the schools’ virtual learning platform.’ Now I have to be on the ball – checking they are actually doing what they claim to be doing and not watching the next You tube video or playing minecraft.

SO for 2017 we have no ideals set, yes I want to write more, I want to teach more, I want to have quality time with the family but that hasn’t changed since forever. Maybe this year I will do it but that remains to be seen! I am not going to try and live up to an ideal created by society to be a certain size or weight I’l instead just be happy as I am. I will take the kids out and about and encourage them to try new things and of course the main thing is we’ll try to be happy!

The Trouble with Henry and Zoe by Andy Jones

This is a delightful read, poignant and true to life. The characters are very well written and burst into life, all flawed but real! Henry has at all a dream wedding, a house being built for him, a loving family and then he doesn’t. Zoe too is forging ahead in life, true her house may be small but she has Alex and a dream job and it’s going well, until it isn’t!

As the two of them separately come to terms with choices they have made and the hand that life has dealt them they meet one another. Neither is looking for anything serious and with Zoe going travelling in a few months having scrimped and saved for long enough to go both of them know this isn’t going anywhere.

Other characters cause introspection and bring comedy, particularly Jenny who has asked Henry to build her a whole new set of teeth, the girls Zoe chums with who have helped her though the difficult times. Both sets of parents show their offspring that it is OK to make mistakes, to be sad and to try new things and each character is battling their own demons. The reader can relate to each of the characters.

I have to confess `I was slightly disappointed by the ending, but at the same time I understand why it ends the way it does but I enjoyed the roller coaster ride to get there. Having read Andy Jones’ other book The Two of US, and enjoyed it I was delighted to discover the same quality of writing in this novel. Dialogue and settings are realising and there is a good balance of comedy and tragedy and all the bits in between. A great read. 5/5

Chasing dreams and … Pokemon

Summer holidays 2016 have already started for us and as a result we have been out exploring. As much as I hate to admit it this exploring has been somewhat helped by the release of Pokemon go! The opportunity to go somewhere new, set a lure, take down a gym and maybe get a new or elusive Pokemon seems to be the way to get the kids out of the house. Indeed Pixie now seems intent on leaning how to ride her bike properly so that she can join the other two (with an adult of course) on Pokemon hunts further afield. Not only can you cover more ground and collect more Pokemon on your bike but you can hatch those all important eggs.
I have taken a ‘if you can’t beat them join them’ attitude but have found the game surprisingly addictive. I’m not sure the this is a phenomenon that is going to stick around but for now it is getting the kids out of the house and actually looking at things. We have had two recent visits to parks and they actually looked at the flowers and sculptures whilst there.
One of the things we are really looking forward to is the release of the BFG, we’re going on Friday to see it and the children have already signed up to the Dahl themed summer reading scheme in the local library. Even more excitement has been created – following on from the book bench trail a couple of summers ago this year there are dream jars scattered around London. We have pencilled in a couple of dates to see as many as possible, one trail following the journey Sophie and the BFG take around the palace and Hyde Park, which Pixie is particularly excited about. We’re doing that one once we have seen the film. We’re are going to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (thanks to Kids Week) at the end of the holidays so we can find some in the Covent Garden area then. So tomorrow we’re searching around St Pauls and maybe the Southbank area too. Great to see the different jars and get the children to experience the sights of London, something we sometimes take for granted.
Thanks to Pokemon it sounds as if I need to take a picnic and find somewhere warm to sit with a Pokestop so they can catch some Pokemon but in some ways this is no bad thing. It gives us a chance to recharge our batteries and enjoy the green spaces in London as well as saving me money. Taking sandwiches and crisps is much cheaper than buying them on the go! Win! Win!
Definitely making the most of the good weather as who knows how long it will last, not long according to the forecasters and with two summer camps and a holiday booked in the days will pass by rapidly. Writing seems to be on hold (again!) but with little teaching lined up for September I have several outlined projects to progress. The kids book is nearly ready to go, just waiting on the kids to give me some feedback and do the edits and have planned on a proper working day from September setting proper deadlines for myself as otherwise I tend to just prevaricate, end up doing errands and not getting anywhere -not going to have a huge career in publishing that way!
For now I will concentrate on giving the kids a great summer holiday, before we know it it’l be gone and routine can take over, in the meantime we’ll enjoy getting out and about and hopefully having some great adventure and memories that last.

http://www.visitlondon.com/bfg

Summer approaches

So it doesn’t seem like long until the summer holidays will be upon us. Half term has just arrived and once they return it will be a whirl of sports days, parents evenings and other school events. Then come the long summer holidays, although these are fairly well taken care of in terms of the dreaded ‘I’m bored!’ or reliance on devices for entertainment. The kids want to go to stage crazy summer school and they also want to attend an activity week based at their school. This involves various sporting events, fun games and swimming and hopefully good weather although there are also art and crafts activities to keep the children occupied. With those booked and our family summer holiday that only leaves a couple of idle weeks. We need some time to recharge and rest as well as a few trips to the park and so on.

It is hard to believe that this time next week I will have two children in double figures, the eldest of whom is rapidly approaching her teenage years! The time seems to have whizzed by and it is hard to credit that this time last year we were worrying about her transition to senior school and all that it entailed. Of course it hasn’t all been plain sailing, but, on the whole I think she has had a good year. We’ll get her report in the next couple of weeks so maybe further comment after that, but after the initial half term of confusion, forgotten items and of course her broken finger things have been much more settled. Indeed Hpops seems to have developed more confidence, tried out new things like orienteering and generally begun to blossom.

The adventure starts again in September as Imp makes his move into Year 6. We take him to tour the senior school in a couple of weeks, although he has been there before this will be his first visit as a potential student! Exams to come and forms to fill in will follow shortly. This time it all seems a little less daunting, we have an idea of what to expect as Hpops has already lit the way and I am sure by the time Pixie gets there we will feel like we are old hands. That is not to say we take it lightly. One thing we try to keep in mind is that all our children are individuals and we have to make the right decision for that child rather than just follow on from what we have done before.

I have really enjoyed being back in the classroom this year, and have pushed my own knowledge having taught the younger children. From September I don’t have any regular work lined up, I do have the kids book pretty much ready to publish but even that can take time. One problem with the amount of teaching I have been doing is that the time I have for writing has been greatly reduced. This is because I have also been studying, I have completed a course about Autism and have been working through an OU psychology course as well. Squeezing in some of the free learn courses is also proving difficult but luckily a lot of these are repeated and can be picked up then. The girls have found a new riding school and Pixie looks set to come off of the lead rein while Hpops has an assessment lesson to see which class she should go into to ensure progression. We still plan to visit some of the horses from their previous riding school which are now based at a local horse sanctuary.

Tentatively I have begun running again, so far so good, well if you count aching for two days afterwards good! Even the kids have been getting in on the act, something we never thought we would be able to say about Imp.Just last week he went on a 3 day residential with school and was able to tackle an assault course and took a full part in lots of other activities. Whilst the Perthes hasn’t fully resolved yet and we know there are still some potential for trouble in the years ahead, at the moment Imp is making good use of his growing fitness and strength. We have his next appointment in the next couple of weeks but we are hopeful that good news will follow, although the usual apprehension will begin to build as the appointment approaches!

It is funny as although the children don’t need us in the same ways as they did in the beginning things sometimes still seem hard at times. We are currently negotiating the hormone highways and with increasing years comest the desire for more freedom and responsibility. We have tried to be enabling in the sense of letting them have some freedoms but tempering it with safety conditions and so on. All the same we are still told we are being mean or unfair or even on occasion ruining their lives because everyone else is doing it. The biggest problem at the moment seems to be social media, the kids want to be on it but we have said no! We have pointed out to them that age limits are there for a reason but they do seem to think we are making it up just to annoy them!

Still the year ahead promises much! New adventures and experiences and also, hopefully a new book and maybe if I can find one a new job (hopefully one that involved teaching and writing fiction combined!)

Making Plans

It occurred to me recently that soon I will have two children in double figures and whilst that is scary,(makes me feel old!) it also gave me pause to stop and reflect on all they have achieved so far. All three are doing well at school and starting to think about what they enjoy and what they want to spend their time doing. Sometimes it seems all they want to do is play minecraft and go onto devices but it seems that many of their friends are doing the same thing. At the same time they do do a fair bit of exercise so can’t complain too much. Relationships are changing though, they are no longer dependent on me to cater to their every need, they can pour their own drinks, make a sandwich and so on. Nowadays it is more about getting them to various clubs, outings or school events on time. This is perhaps the biggest issue at times! All of them are getting to the age where peer pressure starts to appear and so the way they view themselves is changing. Gone are the days when I was allowed to choose their clothes, now they want to express themselves through their choices. Even pocket money is changing, apps track the jobs they have done and pays them so they are making more sensible choices and thinking more carefully about how to spend their money- valuable life skills. (we use Go Henry and so far so good.) Imp is continuing to overcome his Perthes and we all recently completed a 3 mile fun run -and as a family we are able to enjoy a bigger variety of outing. Despite the difficulties he has faced, and the ones we all faced as a family it seems strange to think of him in a wheel chair now. Although the memories are still vivid, and we remember the plaster trousers and downstairs bedroom it also seems to getting more distant, almost as if it happened to other people.

So all of this means that I need to take stock, I want to work now they are all at school all day. I have been back teaching and enjoying it and am looking at training to be SENCO which takes a year. Whether I do it in September 2016 or 17 depends on my work situation. If I manage to get a position 2-3 days a week which allows me to do it this year then I will do it. The main problem is finding a place that fits in with the kids holidays and activities. Imp is coming up to the transition of Year 6 and so don’t want to be too pre-occupied so if need be will hold off to help him through that. Pixie has another couple of years until that happens and Hpops is now well settled in senior school.

This leaves me with my writing, if I am honest that has taken a back seat recently. Last year I finished a draft of a kids book which still isn’t completely typed. (The computer eating some of the chapters and refusing to give them back didn’t help!) Tumbling 2 is planned but every time I start it, it doesn’t seem to flow properly and so keep latching onto other ideas and now have 3 or 4 projects that could be developed. So I considered what was holding me back? The answer wass pretty much myself. Fear of failure especially. What if the kids didn’t like the story I had created for them? What if the only reviews I get are bad? Does it matter? I don’t know these people and one way around it would be to use a pen name. I have been back to basics, using exercises to write character or setting sketches and weave them together. Using the ideas book to note things down as you hear snatches of conversations or see people out in the street.This way I can move forward. I know I need to do more research and flesh everything out a bit more as there is no excuse for lazy writing.

I have decided to try and pursue it again as a hobby, if it takes off and my career becomes one of a writer that is fine with me. If not I enjoy the act of creation and teaching is, for me a fulfilling occupation. I think sometimes letting go of expectations, stop worrying about others judgements and just doing something for yourself means you do a better job! So the years ahead look good,teaching where I can and potentially studying for a promotion, continuing with me psychology and philosophy studies and writing for myself. Maybe I will get a break like some of my friends who have gone on to have multiple book deals, or maybe the manuscripts will gather dust on a shelf but at least along the way I’ll have fun. As well as this I get to see the kids discover who they are, try new adventures and hopefully, now and again have these adventures in the real world – not the virtual one!

January Blues?

So January is fast fading as February approaches. A brief spell of excitement was experienced as snow was forecast, what resulted could charitably be called a dusting and the excitement faded. Looking at the US at the moment fairly pleased! The cold weather at least saw an end to the depressing grey clouds and drizzle for a while and although theses are due to return soon I can honestly say it was nice to have solid ground under my feet when I walked the dog rather then squelchy mud.

The kids are all at various stages of cold, I even had Pixie off last week as she was so bunged up and tired she was in danger of falling asleep! Imp is now suffering and I think hoping for a day off. Indeed over the weekend his coughing got so bad I was getting worried. Hoops had a few days in Wales last week as an activity trip. She was dreading it at first, but it turns out she seems to have enjoyed it. I did not so much enjoy the washing and mud she bought back with her but hopefully it has helped her to build bona. She is hoping to spend her lunchtime participating in a school choir and discussion group for the first time this week so hope she enjoys it. She has also been struggling with her own self image, maybe as a result of the trip.

She has labelled herself a geek, can’t say there is anything wrong with that but she says she finds it hard to make new friends and when she sees groups of people she wants to join in but doesn’t know how, I gave her some advice, no idea if it will be of any help but all she can do is be herself. I did tell her that the people she regards as friend should like her for her and she should like them for them and care about them and hopefully then they will all be happy.

Writing has been progressing (slowly!) Tennis has proved a distraction and more time at work, my psychology course officially starts this week and I have been looking into how to complete my SENCO qualification and think I am not in a place where I can start making equiries about joining a course this September or next.

Part of the prevarication problem is my need to feel in control and make lists, this can take up a lot of time, particularly when unwell children and unexpected events crop up and disrupt the list that then has to be redone. To combat this I have made a loose timetable with the caveat that it is a basic idea. If things change, I get called into work or the kids need my attention then plans can changed without me feeling as if I have failed myself. The kids novel is about 50% typed up, editing the first draft into the second as I go. Tumbles 2 is up next and then we’ll see. I have been fitting in some exercise and short pieces in between as well.

Generally things are OK, the February half term is already looking busy, the summer holiday is filling up nicely, I don’t want them sitting around playing Minecraft for the whole time so booking in an activity camp, acting school and we get to go on holiday as well, with still having enough time to re-charge the batteries. Bring on February when routine should bed in and maybe I’ll even finish that draft!

Up and running

So 2015 is drawing to a close as 2016 beckons. It is the time of year when we make promises to ourselves which if we’re lucky last a couple of days, maybe weeks or months!

Big news- as you can tell the site is refreshed and up and running again.
I end the year feeling blessed, the kids have had a fantastic Christmas and been very lucky thanks to generous friends and family. We have been to see Elf, the little Match girl and Disney on Ice as well as the New Star Wars film. Lots of dog walks in the woods and country parks and visits to family. The kids managed to fit in a trip to the pantomime as well with bowling and more dog walking to come before they return to school next week. I am lucky to have such wonderful friends and family around me and as I wandered through the local high street today with Pixie we saw man hunkering down in the doorway with a sleeping bag and another lady opposite struggling to sell the big issue, not everyone is as blessed. A couple of hot sandwiches and coffees later and I hope we made a small difference to those particular people today and they realised that they were not invisible.

This year seems to have flown by! Hpops and Pixie have both started new schools and Imp has moved up to the upper juniors. They all seem so small and yet are growing up quickly and as a parent I have found this the hardest thing to adjust to. How to be there when they need me, let them know they have my support whatever without crowding them and taking away their growing independence. Another challenge which never really faced my parents is keeping them safe online. All three of our children are adept at using computers, tablets and phones and enjoy playing games such as Minecraft and, understandably perhaps, want to share the experience with their friends! This can lead to problems though as they want to join other games. Despite several warnings and us checking regularly Pixie in particular wants to chat and join with others when she shouldn’t – this has led to us taking away all internet access at times.

Imp has been getting to grips with life post surgery and has loved being back doing fencing, football and rugby and is regaining his pre-perthes fitness levels. He is coming along at school although needs some help in some areas to fill in the blanks where he missed blocks of time. Pixie is going from strength to strength and seems to be doing really well with Maths, something that definitely doesn’t come from me!

Hoops has begun to settle and is not taking more responsibility for sorting herself out for school and has even managed to fit in and pass her violin exam. It has been a busy time of year and in many ways I am looking forward to 2016. Not because of any resolutions to keep fit or eat better or any of those things; ‘ life is for living and I want to enjoy it so a little bit of everything for me please!’2016 is the year I hope Imp continues to improve and has a great time, Pixie begins to realise hard work pays off and, for hpops just a happy school life. I am especially looking forward to a great holiday in the summer; a cruise with Mickey Mouse and seeing the sights of Italy and then a relaxing week in Portugal with fab friends!

I am hoping to get back in the writing habit, the ‘new’ writing journal is on the desk with the creative writing prompt book and I want this to be the year I realise my ambitions in that area alongside teaching and studying psychology! I have also agreed to try and complete my piano grade 1 before Hpops does her grade 2 -eek!

Then there are the concerts to come and plays, so far Strictly, The Cursed Child, Aladdin, another Disney on Ice and I am sure there will be more added as the year goes on. Not to mention the Science Museum sleepover and days out with the dogs and family. This year if there is one resolution I want to make it is to take opportunities when they come, don’t put it off- for tomorrow may never come! As my kids keep telling me when I do say no ‘YOLO!”

Changing World

I am concerned, I was concerned before the atrocities in Paris but I think they cemented my unease. We all accept the world is dangerous, every time we drive a car or cross a road there is an element of danger. For most of us however, a meal out on a Friday night does not represent one of the riskiest things you can do. But for those who were out yesterday in those unfortunate venues they became dangerous and deadly. Trying to explain what happened to an 11,9 and 7 year old before they saw or heard anything about it was difficult.

Hoops was thoughtful and said little, Imp went into panic mode, he is already convinced that IS are coming here and Pixie burst into tears. She, like many of us cannot understand how any religious belief or any God could condone such horrific actions. Out of the mouths of babes they say, and for sure her take on it is that; these people just want to hurt people who are not like them. Why? Imp doesn’t want to go out, in his opinion staying in = staying safe!

But for the first time it made me really think about my own actions and plans. When the bombings happened in London and the Blitz spirit kicked in I was determined to carry on as usual. For the very first time however yesterday I considered not going to something and not doing something. Next week I am due to make a visit to the O2 for my favourite thing – ATP tennis! I want to go but it made me think – maybe I should just stay at home and watch in on the TV. If the terrorists can get to the national stadium in France why not the O2 or Wembley? We are due to go the theatre a couple of times – what if the theatres are targeted or the underground stations or the restaurant we choose beforehand.

Then I felt ashamed and angry. There is a risk in everything, what if the train stops and gets stuck in a tunnel, what if I fall over on the way to the seat the O2 is steep after all, what if… But one thing that is clear is this – if I don’t go to the tennis or the theatre or shopping and nothing happens I will feel ridiculous. Yes, atrocities have been carried out and I am convinced that more are planned for a variety of places as IS (who have claimed responsibility) have apparently stepped up their terror campaign. However, no-one knows where or when they will strike next and that is what inspires the culture of fear. Of course there will be more cells, of course there will be more attempts for mass casualty events of innocent people – they create publicity, column inches but hopefully they also bring most of humanity together. Look at social media turning into the French colours, look at those coming together to pray, look at people carrying on. Yes there is risk, maybe a little more than before -maybe not – we have to trust to the security forces and let them do their thing. Giving in however cannot be an option, not going to tennis, the theatre, the restaurants, staying in ensures we won’t be victims of terrorism in the physical sense of the word. In the psychological sense of the word not doing these things makes us all victims. Staying in, being scared are all real feelings, I’m scared, I hate the world my children are growing up in and the way they are scared to go to big cities in case there are people with guns. But not doing these things gives the terorrists what they want. It changes us and the way we live if we stay in!

Not going out shows we’re scared, cancelling events shows we’re scared, that the risk of something happening is scarier than trying to carry on and stage events. I received an e-mail from the O2 reassuring me that the tennis events were going ahead but to expect extra queues to get in, that’s fine. I’m sure I’ll moan(sorry!) when I’m standing in the queue but I’ll remember (later) that they are keeping me safe. We can be sure that there will be more security scares and evacuations than usual as we all become hyper-vigilant but remember – you are living your life. Yes there is a risk, and we all hope there are no similar attacks to the ones Paris has experienced but worrying about it, avoiding events won’t stop them happening (if they do!) but missing out will definitely impoverish your life, stop you doing what you want to do. Standing with Paris means carrying on as best we can. I’m angry too, angry with myself for considering changing my plans. I really hope nothing happens anywhere else, but if it does I hope we can show the same bravery in carrying on because by giving in we lose anyway. In the meantime I trust to the governments that the world has elected to decide what to do on an international scale. I hope that those who are thinking of committing similar atrocities come to their senses and that someday the world will become once more something I am glad the kids are in rather than worrying that by the time they are my age it will be a war zone.