So I am writing again, I need to otherwise I will lose what little knack I have got! Here for your perusal is the fist chapter of Caroline Lawson part two. I am currently about a third through the book but I am not entirely happy with it so maybe the rest of it will be rehashed, there are good bit and some which need to me more exciting. I am however quite pleased with this bit! I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think.
June
I
‘I want Jeremy!’ I scream.
This is not right! Wrong place, wrong time and wrong people, not to mention the plum sofa I am currently giving birth on has seen better days!
So here I am, Caroline Lawson, imminent mother to be. Maternity tent covering my bump and hands laden with two bulging carrier bags full of babygros, soft toys and a whole variety of things I’ve been told I simply have to have, but, at the same time have no idea about what they actually do. Today is three weeks until ‘drop day’ as my fiancé Jeremy keeps calling, and my first day of maternity leave.
All the books I’ve read have told me I need to be prepared as baby could decide to make his entrance at any time – yes his! I am still getting used to the idea that fairly soon I am going to be outnumbered 2-1. We’ve agreed on the name Ryan after many ‘discussions.’ Currently I am strolling around Smartbaby Boutique admiring the expensive, but ultra cute outfits dotted around the store. An appliquéd lion here and a jolly green dinosaur there. Grace is throwing me a baby shower next week so she has asked me to come up with some ideas for gifts. Despite telling her this really isn’t necessary she has proven to be insistent – so here I am. I make a few mental notes, particularly liking a tiny little blue number with cows lovingly sewn on. I have moved towards the entrance now, and then I notice a gorgeous quilt, it has cute little dinosaurs all over it. According to the information beside the cot there is a whole range including curtains, lamp shades and small framed pictures. We haven’t really decided on a nursery theme yet and I’m not confident enough to buy it without Jeremy’s agreement, not to mention the cost at the end of the price tag which is enough to make my eyes water.
An eager shop assistant has noticed my lingering looks and is making her way towards me.
‘Beautiful isn’t it?’ she gushes.
I nod in agreement.
‘Boy?’ she asks indicating my rather obtrusive bump. I nod again.
‘Well if you’d like to place an order I can have it here for you in a couple of days, I can even get it delivered to your home and assembled, for a small extra cost.’ She adds helpfully.
‘Oh, I need to show my fiancé first and my friend is in the middle of organising a baby shower -I’m banned from buying too much.’ I stutter as I become acutely aware of the bulging carrier bags from SuperMum by my side! Even so the assistant senses that she has lost this battle and offers me a catalogue, taking care to show me the page where the dinosaur range can be found. I mutter my thanks and make my escape. I’m keen to have a sit down. My feet are hurting and my back is niggly – not surprising I suppose when you have an extra person on board hitching a lift!
I visit the nearby coffee shop and order a decaf, relieved to see a squashy seat free by the window. This means I can people watch and pretend I’m not actually completely exhausted by simple every day activities. I waddle over and half place – half drop my carrier bags and then carefully settle myself into the chair. I sink in and sigh but I know I may struggle to get back up again. Whilst I am sitting I check my phone – no messages from work -good – an e-mail from Grace reminding me to put my feet up while I can and a text from Katy, Alfie’s wife asking if I need anything. I shoot off a quick reply to Katy assuring her that if I need her or get bored I’ll let her know immediately. Jeremy is working right up until the birth so he can have some time with us both afterwards so I am not surprised there are no messages from him. He is probably busy delivering papers to lots of chambers, answering calls and arranging appointments for the barristers in his chambers. Not to mention he is studying for exams and attending interviews so he take on an enhanced role with a pay packet to match.
I sip my coffee looking at the passers by – young girls on study leave swanning about in skimpy outfits taking advantage of the early June sunshine. Mothers dragging reluctant toddlers away from the bakers window and the toy shop opposite the coffee shop. I smile and rub my bump as I imagine myself as the Mother trying to persuade my own little monster that they have had enough to eat and there are plenty of toys at home to play with. I can’t help wondering how I’ll cope when the baby becomes bigger and starts walking and talking. I will have to rely on my legal reasoning skills I suppose as judging from the negotiations going on outside the window these toddlers are skilled – many of the Mother’s insisting that the answer is no eventually giving in and buying the must have item so peace once again reigns!
Coffee cup drained I begin the complicated procedure of regaining my feet. First I shuffle forwards to the edge of the seat, then one arm behind me I kind of heave myself in an upwards direction. My back is arched so I don’t fall forwards. That’s it, I’m up, slight knee bend, reach to the side to retrieve my shopping bags and off I wobble.
My final stop of the day is Babeez world! A cheaper version of Smartbaby Boutique and much busier. This shop always reminds me of my shoplifting client Timmy Simons. It is large and just about everything you could ever want for your baby, toddler and pre-school children can be found in this place. Instead of the sedate atmosphere and sense of space created by Smartbaby, Babeez World is crammed full of kids, usually racing around pressing buttons, screaming and making me wonder what on earth I am doing creating one of my own! There are plenty of people browsing, kids clambering about on the outdoor play equipment even though there are signs warning them that it is dangerous to do so. To add to the confusion the tannoy seems to be going off constantly.
*Bing bong*Could a member of staff please come to the delivery door. *Bing Boing* Call for Joyce on Line 3. *Bing Bong* Manager to checkouts please!
No wonder I think as I glance over and notice a heated discussion taking place between a woman waving an item of clothing about and a red-faced assistant. I have come here to try and make a decision about a pram! Jeremy wants a travel system so that we can get Ryan into cars easily. I have pointed out to him that it won’t fix to his scooter, nor will it help me when out an about on the tube. I admire one of the in vogue style perambulators, but no car seat is included and it is definitely not tube practical. I am reluctant to play around with them too much as they all have wires attached linking them to a rather loud alarm system as I discovered about a month ago when we first tried to make this decision. We were put off by my Mother telling us it was bad luck to buy a pram too early and that when we did buy it we should have it sent to her house until we needed it!
I go and stand in front of one of the travel systems and push it backwards and forwards for a bit, it is starting to feel quite natural and I am getting myself into a nice rhythm when I get a sudden sharp pain in my back. It spreads forward to my tummy and I can’t stop my hand flying to my bump, but as quickly as it began it has slipped away. I carry on pushing the pram backwards and forwards. I imagine it must have been braxton hicks, my midwife has told me about them and I have read about them in every baby book I have devoured so far. I look at another couple of systems, but I am drawn to the one I started with. I take a picture on my mobile so I can show it to Jeremy later and move on to baby clothes. Most of the stuff we have already, as well as the things I have picked up earlier today are plain and practical but I have to admit I’d like a couple of bits that look a little more exciting. I have in mind putting some outfits on the list of things I need for Grace, not too expensive but useful, after all according to the fountain of all knowledge, my Mother, ‘all baby will do at first is sleep, poop and puke!’
A babygro catches my eye it proclaims I love my Mummy and Daddy. I have no idea how the baby will feel further down the line so decide to capitalise on his innocence and inability to disagree. Annoyingly the new baby size is hung right down at the bottom – don’t the people that design these shops realise that bending down at this stage of pregnancy is a physical trial. I mean I can’t even see my feet, let alone trust them to support my ever expanding girth! Desire gets the better of me and I reach down, trying to bend my knees and sink down as gracefully as I can! Grace will just have to have different outfits on the list, this one is coming home with me. I check that I have a vaguely relevant size and stash it in my basket. I begin wending my way through the racks of clothes, stacks of nappies and piles of picture books. Gradually I become aware of an annoying feeling every step I take, I feel like I am walking though a puddle all the time. I pull my dress forward and notice wetness around the hem.
The pain in my back comes again and I crouch down a little trying to alleviate it. I straighten up slowly using the pregnancy yoga breathing I have been practicing. I am then aware of a tapping at my elbow. I turn to see a sales assistant resplendent in her maroon Babeez world uniform trying to attract my attention. A child further down the aisle is pointing at me and telling his Mother in a voice as loud as the tannoy that the lady down there has wet herself. He means me! Me?
‘I think you’d better come with me love,’ the Babeez World lady says ushering me gently towards the door with a slate grey notice on it announcing ‘Authorised persons only beyond this point!’
I panic, she thinks I’m trying to steal the babygro so I try to disentangle myself and show her I have put it in the basket and not down my dress. She has a firm grip and ignores my protests when I say ‘I was just on my way to the checkout.’ I remember the stuffed carrier bags from my morning’s work and again start to protest but she has beaten me to it again and flaps them at me using her other hand.
We get to the door and she punches in a code on the sliver lock and I can hear another member of the staff behind the nearby till on the phone;
‘Ambulance please.’ She pauses and then says matter of faculty, ‘woman in labour.’ She throws a glance at my bump and them as she makes eye contact gives me a tight smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, there seems to be a touch of concern. ‘I think term, certainly not too far off of it’ she says into the phone.
‘Now, here we are dear,’ says the lady ushering me along, as I begin to feel rather sick. ‘Make yourself comfortable…’ She pauses, eyebrow raised.
I take my chance to introduce myself ‘Caroline, but really this isn’t necessary, I’ll just pay for this and head home, but you should get a cleaner onto the shop floor as I think someone has spilt something!’
Still this lady isn’t taking no for an answer and again indicates the rather old, plum coloured sofa with clashing orange cushions to me. ‘I’m fine’ I protest again still confused about the fuss but I am slowly becoming aware that it isn’t just the hem of my dress that is wet it is the back of it as well, realisation dawns! That kid was right, my bladder muscles sick of being used as a trampoline have temporarily given up and I’ve wet myself, mortifying but not requiring this level of fuss. I’ll buy a cheap maternity dress to get me home!
‘OK here’s what’s happening, it’s not what you think, my midwife has warned me about this sort of thing before, it’s an acc…’ My words are cut off as the pain I’d experienced a few minutes before returns.
I sink into the sofa and fix my eyes on the woman who has brought me here. She takes a deep breath.’ I’m Joyce.’ She says as I grit my teeth and try to stand now the pain is easing off again. ‘ I wouldn’t do that if I were you,’ she continues,
‘judging from the puddle you left I’d say you’re in labour. That pain isn’t too..’
‘No! Definitely not!’ I insist again trying to find my way to my feet from the surprisingly comfortable sofa. ‘I’ve only just started my maternity leave… and…and’ another pain washes over me and Joyce who has seemingly from nowhere procured a pad and pencil makes a note.
‘How far along are you?’
’37 weeks.’ I mumble, ‘this’ll just be braxton hicks, my midwife says first babies are often late and apparently only 5% are born on their actual due date.’
‘Ambulance on the way Joyce,’ the girl who was on the phone calls through in a sing song voice, anyone would think she was announcing it’s time for dinner.
‘Won’t be long pet!’ says Joyce patting my hand again but I can’t take this in. I can’t be in labour, not yet! I haven’t even had my baby shower yet, my birth plan hasn’t been written and there doesn’t seem to be any pain relief on offer here! Not my mention there are two ante-natal classes to go yet and so the only thing I’d decided was that I’d go over my due date, give birth in hospital and have lots of pain relief – but as another contraction hits I realise I am not in control. Ryan appears to have his own ideas.
‘First baby?’ Joyce asks and I just nod.
‘My fiancé, Jeremy’ I say suddenly aware that if this is happening he really should be here. I try to remember how he’d got to work this morning. Hopefully he’d taken his scooter. Joyce is looking through my handbag and finally retrieves my phone, I thought she’d never find it. She fumbles with it and for once I am thankful that my haphazard approach to security means she can access my contacts and rings his mobile. It goes to voicemail, Joyce has put my phone on speaker so I resist saying the words going through my head out loud.
‘Shall I leave a message?’ she asks and I nod -just as she begins speaking another contraction hits me and this time I give full voice to the pain I am experiencing.
‘Now dear, don’t waste all your energy making that noise,’ Joyce clicks. ‘I should think your young man has got the message now.’ She looks at her watch and makes another note on her pad, a frown crossing her face.
‘What?’ I say panic edging in.
‘Well your contractions are getting very close and that is usually a sign that the baby is almost here.’
As if to prove her point another one takes hold. Joyce goes over to the phone mounted on the wall and speaks hurriedly. In moments a woman who looks a lot younger than me, smartly dressed and appearing rather flustered approaches. Behind her I can see the green uniform of the paramedics – and as they enter the room I realise they are male. No problem I think, after all they’re just the transport, but then the taller one who had been kneeling down sorting out his equipment stands up and says;
‘Hello Caroline, fancy seeing you here!’
‘Absolutely not!’ I shriek at the top of my voice. Instantly Joyce materialises by my side.
‘Whatever’s the matter love, they’re here to help, you know?’ Joyce has obviously appointed herself my temporary guardian and I have to confess that at this very moment I am very grateful she’s here.
‘That-,’ I say pointing, ‘is my step-dad and there is no way he is going, to deliver my…’
I lean forward as pain rips though me, how many more of these will I have to endure before they give me some pain relief?
‘Contraction at 13.32,’ the paramedic who isn’t Jamie notes. ‘OK Caroline, seeing as you have a personal relationship with Jamie here, what say I give you an examination and then we can be on our way to hospital.’
I nod but it’s not as if I really have much of a choice. ‘I want Jeremy,’ I say to no-one in particular. Jamie is busy scribbling notes on some green paper and the other paramedic is doing whatever inspections he deemed necessary.
Joyce is the only one who responds; ‘shall I try him again love?’ I nod thinking he should be holding my hand, being sworn at and mopping my clammy brow.
Without warning the paramedic re-appears . “I can confirm you are in labour – it seems as if things are progressing rather quickly!’
‘But I’m only 37 weeks…’ I protest and the paramedic just smiles -‘even so your baby is eager to meet you and is on the way.’ He says it firmly but I still try to argue.
‘But…but…i haven’t any of my…OW!’
‘Contraction 1335’ the paramedic intones.
Jamie and the other paramedic take a few side steps and conspire together. Joyce is back at my side smiling unnervingly. ‘Jeremy is on his way,’ she says cheerfully, ‘ he said he could be a little while, some sort of strike. He’s 30 minutes away but I’m sure you’ve plenty of time.’ She says all the time patting my hands.
‘Contraction 1338’ the paramedic intones as I groan again, more hushed talk from the men in green.
‘Caroline,’ says Jamie approaching whilst the other one refuses to make eye contact. He perches on the edge of the sofa. ‘I don’t think we’ve got time to move you – it would be better to deliver here.’
‘Here? But I can’t,’ again my body shuts off my words. Jamie checks his watch.
‘Reg, pain relief!’ he says.
Joyce’s radar is on and she jumps up and heads towards the cabinets over the sink, ‘I’m sure we’ve got some paracetamol around here somewhere,’ she volunteers.
‘Para-bloody-cetomal! I want pethidine, epidurals, everything!’
‘Sorry love!’ says the paramedic apparently called Reg, ‘we’re not allowed to carry the strong stuff – but this,’ he shows me a silvery canister with some sort of sucker on the end, ‘will take the edge off.’
‘She’ll be delivering here?’ says the young woman who’d brought Jamie and Reg in and who had been lingering in the doorway. They both nod and she pales a little – she should try being me!
‘Better sort out a little baby basket for this young lady, don’t you think Miss Marris?’ Joyce pipes up.
‘Um ,yes, I guess that would be the thing to do. I’ll…I’ll just go and let the other members of staff know not to come back here, coffee breaks approaching.,’ she says and scarpers.
‘Not really a baby person that one!’ Joyce mutters.
‘In the wrong job then.’ I say and Joyce laughs, I don’t – another contraction hits.
‘Have I got time to go and get her a few things to make her more comfortable?’ Joyce asks Jamie and he nods and she disappears. Reg has been noting down every contraction and is trying to encourage me to have a little walk about. Joyce re-appears laden with pillows, towels,a baby-gro and a nightie!
As my contractions come and go I begin to panic. Jeremy still isn’t here, the paracetamol supplied by Joyce have been consumed to no avail and the silver canister Reg has given me isn’t making any difference either! Joyce’s clucky hen routine is somewhat comforting but I have to admit I had never dreamed I’d be giving birth to Ryan on a battered sofa in the back of Babeez World, with a stranger holding my hand!
‘Right Caroline,’ says Reg, ‘not much longer now. Unusual to be so quick with your first. Think yourself lucky, some babies take days!’
Lucky! Is he kidding? Thirty seven weeks of sickness, cravings and stretch marks which is now culminating in pain and giving birth in a place that in no way at all resembles the hospital I had decided upon.
‘OK, now as soon as you feel the need to push – go for it!’ Reg instructs!’
‘I can’t!’ I groan.
‘Yes you can.’ Jamie and Joyce urge.
’No I really can’t,’ I puff in between the ever closer together contractions; ‘Jeremy, he -has-to-be-here!’
‘Well Caroline,’ says Jamie sternly, ‘It’s just not that simple – babies have their own agendas, and yours doesn’t want to hang about – taking after you already!’ Jamie laughs at his own joke but thankfully Reg scowls at him and shakes his head.
‘This-baby is staying- put until -his Daddy gets – heeereee!’ I insist and as my body tells me to push my brain tells me to do the blowy breaths which are meant to help you through the pain! I am panting like a dog on a hot summers day and I can’t help remembering when this was demonstrated in class and we all fell about laughing, none of us had seriously thought we’d be doing to for real.
‘Caroline you have to let it happen,’ Reg says gently but firmly. He has crouched down and is making eye contact and he looks a little worried, obviously most women prefer to give birth in as little time as possible. Jamie comes and joins him at my side and Joyce who is still holding my hand and is now squashed shuffles over a little to allow the men the room they now apparently need.
‘Caz,’ Jamie begins and I scowl. I prefer my friends to call me Caz and while I no longer completely hate him I am not yet ready for him to use my nickname. “Jeremy won’t mind missing the birth if he arrives to find you both safe and well. If we don’t deliver soon it could lead to complications- babies are meant to come out not stay put!’
Deep down I know Jamie is right. Jeremy has been so attentive throughout and now here I am letting him down. Giving birth too early and too far away from his rounds. He has been so excited to be a Daddy – especially with all the trouble we had getting to this point. I nod, everyone is telling me this baby wants to be born and no amount of panting is going to stop it.
‘Ok…I- need to…push! I announce. Jamie gives my leg an encouraging squeeze, Joyce does the same to my hand and continues to mutter soothing words. Reg meanwhile has subtly moved himself into prime position.
‘I can see the head.’ He tells the room.
I prop myself up on the pillows Joyce has stacked behind me gathering my strength hoping for a few moments respite – but no!
‘Right push now!’ Reg instructs unnecessarily. My lungs expel all the air they contain as out of me explodes the loudest scream I have ever heard. At that moment the door swings open and as ashen-faced, sweaty Jeremy flies through it.
‘Have I missed it? OMG Caz, the whole place can hear you!’
‘You’re just in time’ Jamie says relinquishing his place for Jeremy. ‘She’s doing you proud.’
‘Sexist pig,’ I start to shout but the partially formed words are lost in another scream.
‘GoodGirl!’ says Reg re-focussing my attention, ‘one more and we’ll be meeting baby.’
Good girl? I’m not five – next he’ll be patting me on the head and giving me a sticker. Jeremy looks a little perturbed to see Reg fiddling about down there but I concentrate on the finale.
‘Dad, you’ll see better from here.’ Reg tells Jeremy, reluctantly he goes over looking a shade greener than he had a moment before.
The final push comes, accompanied by another ear-splitting scream, a slithering sound which I really don’t want to think about and then finally the magical sound of a newborn crying. Ryan has finally arrived.
Reg and Jamie wrap him in a blanket, make some notes and then Jamie hands him to me and says; ‘Congratulations, you have a daughter,’ as he hands the baby to me.
‘A girl?’ I repeat confusion fogging me, ‘No we’re having a boy!’
‘Scanner must have been mistaken!’ says Jamie.
‘Well, I guess we can’t call you Ryan.’ I tell the little person cradled in my arms, her little mouth making sucking movements and her face looks all screwed up and blotchy. She blinks up at me her brand new eyes struggling with the harsh fluorescents overhead.
‘I’m your Mummy,’ I say, ‘Jeremy…’ I look up expectantly, he should be here by my side gazing lovingly down at us in the perfect new family tableaux but instead there’s just Joyce.
‘Congratulations love, what ya gonna call her” she asks
‘Jeremy?’ I say again. Joyce looks confused and mumbles something about modern names until Jamie says;
‘I’m afraid he’s a little – er, incapacitated.’ He is trying to suppress a giggle, ‘some men just can’t cope with a bit of blood – placenta finished him off!’
I follow Jamie’s finger and there is Jeremy prone on the floor. ‘He’ll be alright in a few moments.’ Reg says, ‘happens all the time.’
As we watch Jeremy groans and sits up.
‘Slow down there Jezza!’ Jamie grins, ‘drink this.’ He says proffering a plastic cup filled with water from the staff cooler. Joyce hands a cup to me as well. Jeremy slowly gets to his feet and makes his way over.
‘Meet our daughter.’ I say to him.
‘Yeah! Good one, I’m not that confused’ he replies.
‘No he really is a she.’ I say but Jeremy doesn’t care. I can tell because as he looks at her I can see he has fallen completely in love with his new daughter.
‘Off we go then, best to get everything checked out’ says Jamie who had temporarily disappeared and is now proffering a wheelchair to me!
‘No need for the hospital now!’ I say brightly. “She’s all here, all safe and sound, Jeremy can take me home!’
‘In what? I ran all the way here!’ Jeremy protests.
‘How about this?’ Joyce says wheeling in the top of the range travel system I’d been admiring earlier. The room was feeling very crowed now, a pushhair, a wheelchair, two paramedics and their equipment,me, Jeremy, Joyce and of course our new baby.
‘Saw ya admiring it earlier,’ Joyce adds trying to manoeuvre it nearer to me.
‘We can’t afford it!’ says Jeremy, which is true but she holds up a hand to stop his objections. I put a hand on his arm to stop him as well, I know from my recent experiences that there is little point arguing with Joyce!
‘Free of charge,’ of course she trills, ‘our manager,’ and at this point she grabs hold of the flustered woman from earlier who is followed into the stuffed room by a man brandishing a camera. She looks much more in control now as she offers her hand to Jeremy to shake and giving me a chance to re-arrange myself and protect my modesty from the ominous appearance of a camera.
‘Miss Marris – congratulations to you both!’ she says a little too enthusiastically.
‘Um, thank you’ says Jeremy clearly as embarrassed about this ambush as I am!
‘As Joyce here has already said, we thought we should mark the occasion of the birth of your daughter with a gift.’ Clearly channeling the glamorous gameshow assistants she sweeps her hand towards the travel system which now that I am paying attention contains a selection of clothes, bedding, nappies and a huge teddy!
‘That’s really.. kind’ I manage to stutter, the clothes will certainly come in handy as we’d been preparing for a boy, although thank goodness most of the ‘essentials’ are in neutral colours. ‘But if you wouldn’t mind we’d love to get a picture for the local paper!’
At this point the man lurking behind Miss Marris armed with a camera comes forward. He’s in a Babeez World uniform but I guess they’ve already contacted the paper and don’t want to miss the picture opportunity. I knew there’d be a catch I thought, I hadn’t planned for our first family photo to be taken in the back of a baby store. Still nothing like a bit of free publicity and if it hadn’t been for Joyce the baby could have arrived in the middle of the street rather than the dilapidated sofa. ‘Say cheese,’ instructs the assistant with the camera. The bright flash has me seeing stars and it goes off repeatedly. He then wants a couple of shots of just me and then Joyce and me – seriously this is not a fashion magazine – does he know how awful I look?
Just as I think we’re done he gathers everyone behind Jeremy, the baby and myself. Miss Marris wants him to get the gift in shot as well which means Jamie and Reg have to change position, but finally she is happy as she gestures towards the generous gift she is bestowing upon us! Joyce bristles at this, presumably she is feeling put out at Miss Marris taking credit for what was almost certainly her idea!
‘I think that will do,’ the photographer finally announces having fiddled with the back of the camera to check the shots. Jamie is talking hurriedly into his radio which has just crackled into life. He mutters something and has a mini conference with Reg, giving me time to gaze at my beautiful new baby!
‘Welcome to my mad world,’ I say to her as she stares right back at me blinking.’ hey – that’s what we’ll call you -Maddie?’ I look at Jeremy as I say this and a slow smile spreads across his face.
‘Perfect,’ he agrees.
Jamie once more directs me towards the wheelchair. ‘Caroline, we really should get the two of you checked out – just to be on the safe side.’ He is back to his commanding self, having momentarily been superseded by the store manager and make-shift photographer.
‘I’m not very well dressed,’ I point out, ‘I never did have time to change into that nightie!’ Joyce thrusts it towards me but clearly Jamie is in a hurry, I’ve already taken up too much of his time so he grabs the nightie, throws a blanket over me to protect my modesty and assures me I’ll be able to change at the hospital. Jeremy pushes the travel system while Reg wheels me out, as we leave a small ripple of applause breaks out, but embarrassed I keep my gaze fixed on Maddie.